Gee, I sure do fuck things up
Thursday, Sept. 02, 2004, 8:57 a.m.

What to say, what to say.

I went out with LeeAnn & Elaine. I did not get home till 4:00.

C hates me, and I do not blame him. I always fuck everything up. This is a constant thing with me, I was going to take my car and I didn't, so I was at the mercy of LeeAnn leaving when SHE wanted too, which was 3 a.m.

I hate myself right now. This is a man who wants to settle down and marry me, and every time I go out I stay out WAY too late. Can you blame him? I can't. I don't blame him at all. I know he loves me, but he doesn't want to deal with this. C is ready to settle down and I'm just not showing him I want the same thing.

I'm not sure where we stand. We had sex this morning before work, I cried all last night and he held me while I cried until I fell asleep. My eyes are swollen & puffy from crying so much last night.

But why am I crying? Why am I upset? I did this to MYSELF.

I hate me.

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