I am okay.
Thursday, Jul. 29, 2004, 9:08 a.m.

Things are going to be okay. I got home and C wouldn't kiss me. He said there was no point, that he'd been thinking about it and there was just no point any more.

I had nothing to say to that. At all. I grabbed a shot glass, and just started downing 'em. The taste of salty tears mixed with the sharp bite of Bacardi. A picture of C and I in front of me. C came into the kitchen and asked what I was doing. I told him I was getting numb. He made Baby some soup and crackers, and came back into the kitchen. He said to stop crying..that he hated seeing me like that. I told him I couldn't stop. Really, now, I just lost the only solid part of my life, and you want me to stop crying?

Sheesh. I was so numb...It wasn't like I was drunk, but I couldn't feel anything anymore...but I still couldn't stop crying. I sat on the same chair by the window I have been sitting in for the past 3 days. I sit in that chair, and look out the window...just drinking my pain away. But it didn't go away this time. After a while, C called me over to him...he hugged me while I cried. But it hurt too much, you know? Having the person who is causing this pain be the one who comforts me.

Eventually I returned back to my chair...C came over and sat in my chair with me. He said he was sorry for not being there for me yesterday, that we're supposed to be best friends and he should have been there...he said that he can't leave me. He needs me as much as I need him, and we do just need to work at this.

Yesterday we had left it as we would sit down and talk about what's bothering each of us....hopefuly we'll do that today.

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