C & I -- make up?
Wednesday, Jul. 28, 2004, 9:31 a.m.

Very confused...I got home, and started to make dinner. I basically avoided C. I wrote him a letter (gay, I know, but I'm really not good at using words to express myself)but he didn't really say anything. He came out of the bedroom maybe 10 minutes later, I was crying and cutting up chicken. He asked me why I was crying. I turned away and told him I wasn't crying. So he left. He said he'd be back later. I cried more, and then pulled myself together (with the help of my good friend Bacardi)and made Baby dinner.

C called from a payphone around 8, and asked me what I wanted to do. I told him I wanted him to come home. When he got home we sat down and talked, I would stay in the apartment, we'll split half the stuff, he'll get me a truck, and as far as Baby goes he will pick her up from school every day and take her every other weekend.

I sat in the chair by the window and got smashed...I just needed to be numb, you know? It was like the bottom dropped out of my life.

But when I went to bed (I didn't sleep w/ Baby or on the couch tonight) somehow we wound up having sex...which was nice because the sex is always good.

C just called me at work and asked if I could come straight home after work (he has his class tonight), and about when we were going to go up to my parents, we're caretaking for them while they are on vacation. At the end of the conversation I told him I loved him...he said he loved me too.

I'm very confused right now and I'm not quite sure where we stand. A friend of mine brought up a good point yesterday, if this is a reoccuring thing, why put yourself through it, a break up might ne the best thing. And that's absolutely right, and logical.

But love isn't always logicl. Nor am I. I love C. I need him. I cannot live without him.

I am the fire, and he is my oxygen. We will get through this. We will BOTH work this out, and all of our issues, too. With or without a counselor.

If we're still even together.

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