Love...it's worse than rape
Tuesday, Jul. 27, 2004, 9:14 a.m.

I feel so...I'm not sure how I feel right now. I want to rip my hair out. I want to scream for as loud and as long as I can. I just want the pain to stop. Most of all I want to curl up into a ball in the corner and just cry. Cry untill I am as empty as I feel.

My entire relationship is falling. It seems like C and I take 3 steps forward, and then 2 back. But sometimes we'll take 3 or even 4 steps back from where we're at so we aren't getting very far at all. I love C so much and this is killing me. I know that I am a bitch and I shouldn't do a lot of the things that I do, but I have really been working at this relationship. C's main problem (before) was that I went out without telling him, or when he said not to, I'd just leave. I realized what I was doing, and I stopped. I haven't done that in MONTHS. Then the problem was that I was never home on time. I have stopped that, too. I am TRYING can't he see that?

I want this relationship to work more than anything. I have never been in love before. I thought I was, but I was not. This is love. And it fucking hurts so bad.

C was such a fucking asshole to me last night. He had his class. I said I was going to Sarah's house, which was fine. Then later in the day, I called him just to call, you know? And I mentioned Sarah was going to watch the kids so Casey and I could jump in the quarry for a minute.

For some reason that was a problem, which resulted in C HANGING UP on me. I called back probably 15 times begging him to pick up the phone - mad, pissed, pleading....till finally I realized what I was doing and just said...'C, I love you and I hate fighting with you. Please just pick up the phone!'

He didn't. So I stayed out. He called my cell phone around 10:00 and asked if I was coming home. I got home around 11:00 and tried to explain that I had done nothing wrong. I really didn't this time. But for some reason I upset C to the point where he doesn't want to be woth me...which he says all the time. And we're supposed to be getting married.

I told him to look me in the face and tell me if he wanted this relationship to work. He looked right in my eyes, and turned away. He didn't answer. I think maybe he wanted to say 'yes' but he was too angry?? He sure looked like he loved me. So I asked him if he would go to counseling with me...like couples therapy, because we have a lot of issues to work out.

He told me to have another drink.

I slept in Baby's bed, and all he said was 'Good-bye' and left when I asked him to stay.

He called at work to ask what time to pick Peanut up, and then just hung up.

I feel so small, and insignificant. I know 100% that I haven't done anything wrong...so why am I putting up with this?

Love...it's worse than rape.

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