Asshole
Wednesday, Jul. 21, 2004, 9:45 a.m.

I wish there was a pill you could take that would make you forget the things you have done. I regret so many things that I have done and I cannot erase them from my mind. I think maybe this is why I drink so much. It helps numb it all.

I love C so much. I can't lose him. I would have nothing if I did. I've really never felt like this about anyone. I actually want to be with him all the time. I look forward to seeing him every night. I look forward to waking up and him being there, lying next to me. I cannot lose him.

At work, of course. I guess I'm just going to keep the scirocco. Come income tax time, I'll buy something else then. Truth of the matter is, I don't want to sell it, even if it does have a shit load of problems. C doesn't particularly want to sell it, either. So, hopefully it'll last till Jan. At least I have a cell phone now if it breaks down some where.

Ahhh....problems, problems. At least I don't live in a war-torn country. All these problems, everything I feel, I have done to myself. Now I just have to live with it. I just...I feel so bad. I didn't mean to do it. I really didn't. I regretted it while it was happening. I'm such an asshole. But it'll get better, this feeling will ebb, and I'll continue on. I've been thinking about maybe seeing a counselor once evey two weeks, just for someone to talk to. Just to get the stress, and all the guilt, out.

But I don't know. We'll see.

I'm just an asshole.

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