Ramblings
Tuesday, Apr. 12, 2005, 9:33 p.m.

I'm so confused over everything, but I have no reason to be seeing as I could stop the confusion by making a decision.

I want to settle down. I want to buy a house, be with C, and become Suzy homemaker. You know, the life I had but pissed away by CHEATING.

But I also want my free life.

So what the fuck is my problem, you know? Just pick something Nikki, and stick to it...but I can't. Why is this so hard? I feel like whatever decision I make will change my life...which it will. But what is happiness? What is my happiness?

I don't want to hurt C any more. I'm realizing that all the problems were me. I just...I need time. But I need him, too.

More impportantly, what is Baby's happiness? Who knows? not me. I know she needs stableness, and I know I'm a damn good mom, but am I THAT good? I think so, I hope so.

I've been so sick all week, vomiting and the whole 9, missed a whole week of work. But I did start a bar job, 2 nights a week so I am happy about that, I like bartending, and, even more, the money that accompanies it. C has moved out but sleeps here every night, which is fine because that's what I want... I want C.

I've decided to go to Costa Rica the first week in July. I'm booking the trip by the end of the week, and I can't wait, I deserve this.

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