I miss him
Monday, Sept. 13, 2004, 8:51 a.m.

How far do you have to go to fall? So far that you never imagined yourself being there?

I guess so. My whole life hurt, from my own self, for so long. And then it just got better; I did it mostly by myself, but C was there, too. I am the woman I am today because of him, pushing me to do good, stop drinkng, he's the one who has held me when I wanted to run to the city and blow my nose out. It's always been C.

But now, I am so fucking lost and I feel like an adolescent, whiny brat writing love poems in the dark and cutting her wrists. (no, I am not cutting my wrists. It's just how I feel) And it fucking hurts.

I miss C. How could I not? This is someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I keep telling myself that he 'only' grabbed me by the throat and threw me, it's not like he punched me. We cried together all night on Friday, and exhausted, curled up like spoons and slept. We both say the same thing, "How am I supposed to wake up with you not there? How am I supposed to come home knowing you won't be there?"

How am I? I genuinely have found love and I do not want to loose this; I don't want to loose C. I want him home, with me. Saturday and Sunday were hell without him. Pure, drunken hell.

I'm drinking all the time again, I seem to use this to numb myself...or I try to. It never works.

I cannot be without C. I am picking the Baby up from him today after work(he is at his dad's) and I am telling him I will give him another chance.

I am doing this of my own choice. I don't have to. I have a great support from my parents no matter which route I take. My step-mother thinks maybe I should give him another chance, and JUST THAT ONE. No more. I am not going to be my sister, stuck with a guy who hits me.

I am me, Nikki, and I choose C.

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